Blimey. ...

Blimey. I've just been sitting here mulling over the last Tarot reading that Kat did for me, a while back. It foretold of a really hard time coming, that I would be helped through by a man with fair or grey hair (iirc). That I would get through this difficult period, but that it would take blood sweat and tears to do so and would be a test of my character as to how I dealt with it.Well, I don't think I aquitted myself as well as I could have, character-wise, since I seem to have cried and hidden away through most of it ('it' being the court case I've been facing over the criminal damage/rent arrears debts that my ex partner left me with) although I feel much better and more in control of my life again now it's sorted. I'm feeling as though there is light at the end of the tunnel, and there is no way I'd have managed to sort it out without the help of John (a middle-aged grey haired gentleman) at the Clay Cross branch of the CAB. He is, I am quite sure, the man that the Tarot foretold of. He helped me way beyond the call of duty, staying behind for 2 hours after the office had shut, just to sort out my case.Now, having settled my financial difficulties as well as I can at the moment, I am feeling more and more that I need a direction in my life that isn't just being a Mum. I have been considering perhaps doing a hypnotherapy course... it's a subject that I've always been interested in and would enjoy immensely. And more to the point, the time is right.

Beltane

Wow. Where to start.I was up at dawn on Sunday, in the garden. :) It was tremendous, really beautiful. It was bloody hard to get out of bed (tooooo early) but I'm so glad I did. Spent the day quietly after that. Had lunch with Jay and the girls at the pub, then headed over to Kat's. It felt like coming home, in many ways... I know others have said this too, but that's how it felt. I realised later, as I was sat in the garden, that it has the same feeling to the place that my Grandparents home and garden (particularly garden) always did! ♥I didn't get the chance to talk to many people (entirely my own fault, for which I'm sorry. I would have liked to talk more to people. Next time...). I was very tired but not remotely sleepy. I sat with Jay and soaked up the atmostphere and the happiness emanating from everyone. It was truly beautiful :)The circle was incredible. It's hard to believe that only one week ago, there was just grass and a firepatch there. Now the circle stands as a monument to the dedication and love that Kat and her family have put into it. It is quite, quite amazing! The energy that it contains can be felt as soon as you step into it. The circle was consecrated and as the chalice was passed around, binding us together in our sisterhood, I felt a warm feeling in my stomach that I still have now. I haven't known these ladies very long. Some of them I don't know very well at all yet. But I felt completely accepted by them, trusted by them and welcomed. It was is the most wonderful feeling....Beltane means a lot to me, it's one of my favourite Sabbats. It is the time in the wheel of the year where I can put things behind me, start things anew or completely afresh and where I finally feel the warmth of Summer welcoming me after the long road of Winter. This Beltane meant even more to me than usual; it seemed to affect me on a deeper level than previously. I can't seem to find the words to express it, even now after a couple of days. I seem to be being made aware of everything in a much more *real* sense than ever before, over the past year or two. My personal journey has taken me in directions I would never have dreamed, as well. But it's all good and I can feel myself growing as a person, in an almost tangible sense.I'm more centred and grounded now than I have been in years. I feel so rich in the company I keep and the friends that I have; I will never be able to repay what I have been given.**********Unrelatedly (note to self). Must find out more about Inanna. She has come to me in one way or another on four separate occasions now. Via my Flist, via Tarot, via Shullie seeing her at circle, via my dreams. I guess I should take heed!

Full moons and circles

Wow, well, where do I start?Circle time on Friday was so different to all private ritual time I have ever had. I always feel keyed up before rituals, but this time I was so keyed up that leathermgoddess could feel my heart beating from across the room with her back to me *LOL*. I wasn't the only one to feel the atmostphere either, others commented on it afterwards.The circle itself was really the most amazing feeling. The Moon was there, peeping out from behind a cloud (the only gap in a HUGE bank of cloud, too, as though to perfectly frame her as she looked on us). Everyone let go of something they needed to be rid of, wrote it on paper and put it in the fire. I wanted to let go of all of the hate I have been carrying around with me. I have spent so long hating Cherry and Nathan and Andy, for the hurt, damage and trauma they have caused to my children. I hadn't realised just how much it was damaging *me* carrying it around, but I had been getting more and more depressed. Even when I felt ok, I didn't ever feel really happy. But since Friday night's full moon, I have felt great. It feels as though I have been relieved of a massive weight from my back and I have started viewing the world in terms of light again. I can't really describe the change. It is as though my balance has shifted, deep down inside. It's all good though.I was asked whether I just feel happier than I did before because I have had a brilliant weekend in other respects (sex *does* tend to put a smile on your face, lol) but I felt like this before that, as soon as we left the circle I could feel it. It was compounded, too, by shullie telling me about my Grandma and my Granpy being there with me and what they were saying. I have missed my Grandma so much since she died, it meant so very much to hear from her and to know she is ok. I've always known my Granpy was with me, since I was a teenager and I saw him in a dream. I've felt and seen him since then too. Funnily enough, Shullie knew exactly when I had last seen him, too (at my last bonfire at home).I feel very blessed and lucky to have been invited to join this circle of amazing, strong and powerful women. I still value my private ritual time, I always will, but this is something that feels very right for me right now.

Gosh, it rea...

Gosh, it really has been far too long since I made a public post in this journal. I must try and make sure I post more often - it's really just laziness, not at all lack of things to say!Indeed, I have so much to say about circle last Friday and how I have felt since then, that I haven't time to write it here right now. I'll try and post properly later today.

Samhain

Samhain was great. I hadn't realised quite how much I had missed celebrating with others, I've been solitary for so long. It was a fab atmostphere around the fire, and the kids were encouraged to join in bringing their talents to the circle too, which was really nice.I've noticed this past year that I have felt the changes in the wheel of the year more than ever before. As though I were feeling them stir my blood, rather than merely being intellectually aware of them and celebrating accordingly. This is definitely a good thing. Since having my world as I knew it shattered just after Beltaine last year ('03) I feel the daily presence of the Goddess in my life more than I ever used to. When I think about the last 18 months, it astounds me that we have all come so far and done so well. I'm *so* proud of my girls for what they have achieved and are achieving since the abuse, it was so hard for them and for all of us.And so the Earth bids a farewell to the Sun for the Winter,I know He will be reborn of the Goddess and the cycle will go onAnd as I think about my place in the Wheel of the YearI come to see my own path in the cycle of life

I w...

I woke this morning feeling refreshed and full of positive energy. It's the first time in months that I have felt this charged. Things are still not right, but I feel far more capable of turning the tide now, with the Goddess' help.

Re: Andy...

Re: Andy's continued psychic attempts to get to Gillian.S has suggested using the Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Pentagram. It'd be draining and I would have to do it every day, but it's a powerful piece of Magic and would keep his assaults at bay.It'll take a fair amount of personal strength of will and channeled energy to get it right though. I'll meditate and ask for more guidance, too. Andy's energy is far stronger than I first thought it would be.S also suggested teaching Gillian simple methods of psychic self defence. That's easier said than done though, as she doesn't truly want to block Andy out. She hangs on to the memory of him as being a daddy who loved her, and she misses him. He is still psychically assaulting me too, although it seems he is finding it harder and harder the stronger I grow.Four years since we left. Four years and he still won't leave us be. I just wish him to leave us in peace, for all our sakes, his own included.